Therefore I exist
I am!
I am!
I… THINK therefore I AM!
No?
Perhaps I… shrink therefore I am?
Well..
Try a…kink…therefore…I..
Hmm..
I tried to get my daughter to make chocolate brownies with me. A much-loved recipe handed down from an old friend. She obediently sprinkled in the chocolate drops and marshmallows as directed.
And it was.. fun. Yeah, it was OK.
But the thing she really delighted in doing–and it didn’t take long for her to get on to it–was dancing around, arms akimbo, wearing nothing but an apron, distributing plates to us–a proud cafe owner. 😂
I suppose serving and eating the brownies was the segue. Still joining in with her dad’s plan–or hmm–maybe it’s more.. historical starting point?
Ahh I loved it. Laugh out loud funny. So pleasing. The sheer knows-she’s-loved, feels-seen, is-safe,
herselfness
of it all 🥰.
We glanced at each other. Did she get this particular wonderful-oddness from you or me? Lol. Seems kinda unique to her..
Why would I make her word-out a justification for her oddness? For being the way she is. She just is, I just want her to know she’s
Seen.
Known.
And then..
Was I 15 or 16? There or there abouts.
Lying on my bed. In my room. Door shut. Alone. Frozen. Stuck. I’d been like this for a while. Weeks?
Eventually the tears came, though I tried to stop them. Then the weeping. Then the uncontrollable sobbing.
Bury it! Gulp it down! I can’t let anyone hear. How could I explain it?
Well. I couldn’t. I.. just.. can’t can I? They can’t know.
I will be alone forever. No one can ever find this out. No. Nothing can ever give me away!
Ohh the sadness. The aching, endless loneliness.
And then. It happened.
I was just a witness. My heart spoke all by itself.
Jesus, if following you means every day feels like this. I will do it. I love you.
It was obvious to everyone present that I truly meant it.
And slowly. Then quickly. Then all at once…
It was like a crack opened in my bedroom wall and through it seeped some water. And it steadily dissolved the wall. And grew and grew. A trickle. Then a stream. Now a river. And soon a raging, surging, powerful, timeless, deafening, roaring cataract. Sourced from…somewhere else. Breaking–broken–through.
I lay there. Sopping. Astonished. Drowned. Tears confused. What is this? Is this…fatherly? Wow. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha. What?!?
My tears of sadness morphed absurdly into tears of relief and happiness. And then more laughing. And then I sat. Then rose. Ha ha. Did I dance? Maybe I did!
Seen.
Known.
He is
He knows me
Therefore
I exist