The right sacrifice

Resentments arise

(In whatever disguise)

when you hold up a sacrifice

That is despised,

That involved a lie

Surprise!

And when the personal cost paid

Is so absurd–weapons-grade–

And the illusion contained

such trauma and pain

Well.

It’s hard to become human again.

It turns out that hating and pushing away

My feelings for men–my being gay

and with it–in time–my personality

Was not really the right Way

It doesn’t particularly impress Mum, Church or Wife,

It didn’t grow the fruit of a righteous life

Why did so many things seem to tell me it’s right?

Why didn’t my “Christian ethos” boys school correct that at first?!

Why did my return-to-New-Testament-principles twenties make things worse?

I don’t know

and now

I don’t care.

But still I must decide.

Am I going to cling onto being a martyr

To save face (or for fear of losing my faith

as if it wasn’t Him who first chased

and holds me in his grace)?

And am I going to stubbornly wait

For others to change to accommodate my self-inflicted wound?

Expect my family to work around a self-depreciating, confused, insensitive tool?

Encode more hidden loathing for men and women into the next generation too?

Nope

I don’t yet have all the needed answers I’m afraid

But I know I’m not here to form a crusade

Or “man“ some Reformation barricade

Or secretly build a boys brigade

I’m here to seek first the Kingdom of Love again

Where the King didn’t cling onto heavenly fealty

But revealed himself in full human frailty

And I went to a “Christian ethos” boys school you see

So I have a taste of what that’s meant to be

And I can sense what produces it in me

and what does not.

I’m sorry the dreams of Sola this and Sola that

Have so far fired blanks–for me–are falling down flat

And I’m sorry that seeking comfort in a rigid evangelical frame,

produced denial and loathing and shame.

(And Just So stories of why my group of fools

are more ✌🏻Pure and True✌🏻

Than those Other less faithful, sell out crews).

---

Today I’ll celebrate the World’s Mighty Creator,

And Powerful Sustainer, And Wise Orchestrator,

Arriving as a baby, sleeping in an animal-feed manger.

And that’s quite enough.

I’ll wager.